I'm going home for the weekend again. Being back in York County won't feel the same knowing, he would rather be somewhere else then with me. But, I guess i'll just grin and bear it. I'm working on moving on I really am but everytime I seem to feel happy and at ease about everything it hits me like a ton of bricks, i don't have him anymore, nor will i probably ever have him again.
in addition to knowing this, i'm writing him a letter that i'll actually mail to him, i've ripped up all the ones i started already because well they just don't feel right and i can never get my words perfect to him. but the letter i wrote on here, well that's what i consider a perfect way to state all of my emotions. but i can't mail him that letter. i need a new one, with new ideas. it seems so long ago since i wrote that "to him" and i feel like even though it may have only been a week or two i feel like a lot has changed between that time period and now. i still love him like you could ever imagine, i'm just getting used to masking everything and trying to find someone, "better" i guess is the proper terminology for that.
i have met a lot of boys here, none of them possible boyfriend material seeing as how, it's all frat brothers, or boys who tend to prey off of freshman girl because they're "fresh meat." now i dont see myself as that at all. i know my limitations and iknow when i'm getting pushed passed them. so i have self control and i dont fawn over boys who are older and can buy alcohol. no thanks, i'll pass on that one. i love for a guy who's charming, alluring, sweet, everything that most guys here are not, sadly. but i can see that there are some roses blossoming from the thorn bushes, i just need to sweep in before some other girl decides she wants to see what he's like. i've met a lot of great guy friends though and so far, i've had as little drama as possible. with the exception of one inparticular male. but he shall not be named, nor will i waste my typing "breath" on what he has done. anyway, as much as i wish i could tell you all about everything that's happened so far in my college career, i cannot. that would take way to long, and bore you all to death. love you all.
-- mary kate.
