I know this technically isn't a note to Angela. But, I can still post things without writing her a letter because I knew she would read this if she could.
I have loved and I've been loved.
I wish I could go back to when I was little again because broken hearts are a lot harder to fix than cuts and trust me, I have broken hearts and I've had my heart broken numerous times.
Yet, I still find it in my heart the desire to love again. Regardless of what I have gone through.
I've been hung up on a certain boy for years and am still scared to let him really know just how much he means to me, even if he thinks he does already.
He was once the reason for my everpresent smile.
I'm a complex person, but at the same time, I'm really not terribly hard to figure out.
I've had my fair share of mistakes that trust me I wish I could take back.
I believe that somebody is out there for me, but I wish it was someone I already knew...
I have no paitence AT ALL.
I get bored easily and I'm extremely stubborn. I don't trust easily, and once you get my trust you better hold that close to you, because once that trust is broken, it takes forever to get back or you work pretty damn hard to get it back.
I wish the term "I wanna get high" meant you wanted to swing on swings really high, instead of doing drugs.
I wish girls who used to be modest didn't think it was necessary to take their clothes off to impress a guy.
Although I guess it would help if guys didn't put the idea in our heads that we need to do that to keep thekm aroud and interested.
I wish that we still drank juice boxes instead of drinking to get drunk.
Regardless of whether or not I do these things, I wish life were easier and I didn't feel like everything around me was always changing in such a huge way.
I wish I could go back and tell you I loved you more before I made the mistake of not making you mine.
I wish that I could go back and tell those who I lost how much they meant to me, because I don't think I did that enough.
Why can't life just come with an easy button?
=/ why do bad things seem to happen to me?
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Who is this person?
Dear Angela,
I've been thinking, that I need to talk to you more than anyone in the world. You were the person that I came to with these issues within myself. And well since I can't really talk to you, I decided it would be best to come to you on here. I miss you so much. More than you can even imagine. I hope you aren't giving people up there a hard time. I'm sure they're all getting a kick out of you. Everyone here loved you, and you always knew how to make someone smile or laugh. Say hi to my grandma and pawpaw for me. I'm sure they're loving you. (:
But moving on to my dilemma it's more of just a rant, but I knew you'd be one of the people who would listen the most to me. I loved that about you.
Seriously, who the hell am I lately? I don't feel like me. Let's be honest, I haven't felt like me in a really long time. I once had someone say to me, "Mary Kate we lost you a long time ago.." Meaning that the person that I once was, that person that once made him smile and happy was gone. The girl that he could be himself with, with no expectations was gone. The girl that's smile was never faked because he was the reason behind it was gone. The girl who's day would be made better by just a text from him telling her something good about herself was gone. The girl who was strong and felt strong because she had such a great support system behind her was gone. And it's truly clear that I can never return to who I was and make that boys eyes light up again. And that kills me. Not only because I like to be that one person to make someone happy, but because that girl was truly happy. Sure, she had been bruised and broken beyond belief, but she was alive and bright. Compared to the hollowed out person I feel like I have become.
Now I'm not saying in anyway that I hate who I am because I know that I've grown up to the person I was supposed to be. And sure maybe I'm not as hollowed out as I say I am. But, I just don't feel like I'm that person anymore. The person who was vibrant. The person who had more confidence then this. The person who fought for what she wanted and who she wanted. All I know is I'm slowly losing that edge I once had. The fight in me is gone. When you've been rejected so many times by some of the people who mean the most to you, that fight has a complete reason to disappear. When you lose the people who mean the most to you and know they won't come back because they don't see the person who they once saw and came to care about who just see no point in fighting anymore.
Now, I'm not in this depression, or anything like that. Just Meaghan and I were sitting at dinner having the "what-if" conversation. And I realized that if my life had been completely different than it is right now, I may be a completely different and happier person.
Rewind three years, what if I had changed my mind? What if I had decided to go with my heart and not think about what anyone else thought? Now I know that sounds harsh to the person I did choose, but you know what I say to that? Fuck it, and fuck him. Because honestly all I got out of that situation was heartbreak and confusion. When I could have had happiness and certainty with the other choice. But, god forbid I was naive and didn't trust my instincts to begin with.
I had so many chances, I'm sorry to him, because I know I was the one who blew them all.
I know you'd tell me to move on because it's not healthy to dwell on this. And I am moving on Angela, I really am. Right now I have someone who is a sweetheart in my life, but I don't know where that's going nor do I even know what I want out of that situation.
I'm not dwelling so much. Instead it's just recent events have made me think about things and made me wonder where my life would be and where my happiness factor would be if I had done different things.
(to the boy that this is about if you're reading this, i'm sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable, i didn't intend it to be that way. but Angela was who I would go to in times like these because she understood me the best and my emotions better than most people do. but honestly this was all going to come out sometime. sorry that it had to be this way... well, goodbye)
i miss you.... both of you.
I've been thinking, that I need to talk to you more than anyone in the world. You were the person that I came to with these issues within myself. And well since I can't really talk to you, I decided it would be best to come to you on here. I miss you so much. More than you can even imagine. I hope you aren't giving people up there a hard time. I'm sure they're all getting a kick out of you. Everyone here loved you, and you always knew how to make someone smile or laugh. Say hi to my grandma and pawpaw for me. I'm sure they're loving you. (:
But moving on to my dilemma it's more of just a rant, but I knew you'd be one of the people who would listen the most to me. I loved that about you.
Seriously, who the hell am I lately? I don't feel like me. Let's be honest, I haven't felt like me in a really long time. I once had someone say to me, "Mary Kate we lost you a long time ago.." Meaning that the person that I once was, that person that once made him smile and happy was gone. The girl that he could be himself with, with no expectations was gone. The girl that's smile was never faked because he was the reason behind it was gone. The girl who's day would be made better by just a text from him telling her something good about herself was gone. The girl who was strong and felt strong because she had such a great support system behind her was gone. And it's truly clear that I can never return to who I was and make that boys eyes light up again. And that kills me. Not only because I like to be that one person to make someone happy, but because that girl was truly happy. Sure, she had been bruised and broken beyond belief, but she was alive and bright. Compared to the hollowed out person I feel like I have become.
Now I'm not saying in anyway that I hate who I am because I know that I've grown up to the person I was supposed to be. And sure maybe I'm not as hollowed out as I say I am. But, I just don't feel like I'm that person anymore. The person who was vibrant. The person who had more confidence then this. The person who fought for what she wanted and who she wanted. All I know is I'm slowly losing that edge I once had. The fight in me is gone. When you've been rejected so many times by some of the people who mean the most to you, that fight has a complete reason to disappear. When you lose the people who mean the most to you and know they won't come back because they don't see the person who they once saw and came to care about who just see no point in fighting anymore.
Now, I'm not in this depression, or anything like that. Just Meaghan and I were sitting at dinner having the "what-if" conversation. And I realized that if my life had been completely different than it is right now, I may be a completely different and happier person.
Rewind three years, what if I had changed my mind? What if I had decided to go with my heart and not think about what anyone else thought? Now I know that sounds harsh to the person I did choose, but you know what I say to that? Fuck it, and fuck him. Because honestly all I got out of that situation was heartbreak and confusion. When I could have had happiness and certainty with the other choice. But, god forbid I was naive and didn't trust my instincts to begin with.
I had so many chances, I'm sorry to him, because I know I was the one who blew them all.
I know you'd tell me to move on because it's not healthy to dwell on this. And I am moving on Angela, I really am. Right now I have someone who is a sweetheart in my life, but I don't know where that's going nor do I even know what I want out of that situation.
I'm not dwelling so much. Instead it's just recent events have made me think about things and made me wonder where my life would be and where my happiness factor would be if I had done different things.
(to the boy that this is about if you're reading this, i'm sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable, i didn't intend it to be that way. but Angela was who I would go to in times like these because she understood me the best and my emotions better than most people do. but honestly this was all going to come out sometime. sorry that it had to be this way... well, goodbye)
i miss you.... both of you.
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