Ang, it's your birthday

and I'll cry if I want to..

Just went to your facebook a few minutes ago and realized it's your birthday. Happy birthday other mother. I miss you uncontrollably. I can't even imagine what your family is going through, I've tried to understand because  I want to be there for them, but I can only know what I'm going through. And I know that I miss you more than words can describe. I do know that your free from pain and hardships on Earth I know that you're in a better place. God called you up there for a reason. He needed you more than we do down here. Even if we can't face that fact. Because in reality I know your sons really need you, I need you, and I know there are many other people out there who need you too. But party to the fullest up there. And just have a blast. I know you will.

Miss you and love you.
See you sometime.

Angela, I miss you...

A lot lately. Not that I hadn't missed you before, but lately it's gotta a little worse than before. I think that I've finally come out of the denial stage of it all. I didn't have to experience what others did with you. I didn't get to go to your funeral like I had wanted to. I didn't get to say goodbye really. No one got the right goodbye anyway. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not a full goodbye it's just a "I'll see you later."
I know everyone misses you terribly. Who wouldn't? You were such a strong source of comfort and so easy to talk to and get along with. I still don't want to believe you're gone I really can't even wrap my mind around the fact that you aren't here anymore.
All I wanted to tell you was that I miss you really. Just had to get it all out. 


Don't cause too much trouble up there.
Until we meet again, I'll miss you <3

Random 3 a.m. thoughts about myself.

I know this technically isn't a note to Angela. But, I can still post things without writing her a letter because I knew she would read this if she could.


I have loved and I've been loved.
I wish I could go back to when I was little again because broken hearts are a lot harder to fix than cuts and trust me, I have broken hearts and I've had my heart broken numerous times.
Yet, I still find it in my heart the desire to love again. Regardless of what I have gone through.
I've been hung up on a certain boy for years and am still scared to let him really know just how much he means to me, even if he thinks he does already.
He was once the reason for my everpresent smile.
I'm a complex person, but at the same time, I'm really not terribly hard to figure out.
I've had my fair share of mistakes that trust me I wish I could take back.
I believe that somebody is out there for me, but I wish it was someone I already knew...
I have no paitence AT ALL.
I get bored easily and I'm extremely stubborn. I don't trust easily, and once you get my trust you better hold that close to you, because once that trust is broken, it takes forever to get back or you work pretty damn hard to get it back.
I wish the term "I wanna get high" meant you wanted to swing on swings really high, instead of doing drugs.
I wish girls who used to be modest didn't think it was necessary to take their clothes off to impress a guy.
Although I guess it would help if guys didn't put the idea in our heads that we need to do that to keep thekm aroud and interested.
I wish that we still drank juice boxes instead of drinking to get drunk.
Regardless of whether or not I do these things, I wish life were easier and I didn't feel like everything around me was always changing in such a huge way.
I wish I could go back and tell you I loved you more before I made the mistake of not making you mine.
I wish that I could go back and tell those who I lost how much they meant to me, because I don't think I did that enough.

Why can't life just come with an easy button?

=/ why do bad things seem to happen to me?

Who is this person?

Dear Angela,
I've been thinking, that I need to talk to you more than anyone in the world. You were the person that I came to with these issues within myself. And well since I can't really talk to you, I decided it would be best to come to you on here. I miss you so much. More than you can even imagine. I hope you aren't giving people up there a hard time. I'm sure they're all getting a kick out of you. Everyone here loved you, and you always knew how to make someone smile or laugh. Say hi to my grandma and pawpaw for me. I'm sure they're loving you. (:
But moving on to my dilemma it's more of just a rant, but I knew you'd be one of the people who would listen the most to me. I loved that about you.

Seriously, who the hell am I lately? I don't feel like me. Let's be honest, I haven't felt like me in a really long time. I once had someone say to me, "Mary Kate we lost you a long time ago.." Meaning that the person that I once was, that person that once made him smile and happy was gone. The girl that he could be himself with, with no expectations was gone. The girl that's smile was never faked because he was the reason behind it was gone. The girl who's day would be made better by just a text from him telling her something good about herself was gone. The girl who was strong and felt strong because she had such a great support system behind her was gone. And it's truly clear that I can never return to who I was and make that boys eyes light up again. And that kills me. Not only because I like to be that one person to make someone happy, but because that girl was truly happy. Sure, she had been bruised and broken beyond belief, but she was alive and bright. Compared to the hollowed out person I feel like I have become.
Now I'm not saying in anyway that I hate who I am because I know that I've grown up to the person I was supposed to be. And sure maybe I'm not as hollowed out as I say I am. But, I just don't feel like I'm that person anymore. The person who was vibrant. The person who had more confidence then this.  The person who fought for what she wanted and who she wanted. All I know is I'm slowly losing that edge I once had. The fight in me is gone. When you've been rejected so many times by some of the people who mean the most to you, that fight has a complete reason to disappear. When you lose the people who mean the most to you and know they won't come back because they don't see the person who they once saw and came to care about who just see no point in fighting anymore.
Now, I'm not in this depression, or anything like that. Just Meaghan and I were sitting at dinner having the "what-if" conversation. And I realized that if my life had been completely different than it is right now, I may be a completely different and happier person.
Rewind three years, what if I had changed my mind? What if I had decided to go with my heart and not think about what anyone else thought? Now I know that sounds harsh to the person I did choose, but you know what I say to that? Fuck it, and fuck him. Because honestly all I got out of that situation was heartbreak and confusion. When I could have had happiness and certainty with the other choice. But, god forbid I was naive and didn't trust my instincts to begin with.
I had so many chances, I'm sorry to him, because I know I was the one who blew them all.
I know you'd tell me to move on because it's not healthy to dwell on this. And I am moving on Angela, I really am. Right now I have someone who is a sweetheart in my life, but I don't know where that's going nor do I even know what I want out of that situation.
I'm not dwelling so much. Instead it's just recent events have made me think about things and made me wonder where my life would be and where my happiness factor would be if I had done different things.

(to the boy that this is about if you're reading this, i'm sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable, i didn't intend it to be that way. but Angela was who I would go to in times like these because she understood me the best and my emotions better than most people do. but honestly this was all going to come out sometime. sorry that it had to be this way... well, goodbye)

i miss you.... both of you.

More days without you...

My Heart won't let you go, and i need you know.
i miss you <3

Dear Angela,
I decided to make my blog letters to you, because I know how much you would have loved it if I would have been able to talk to you everyday with updates on everything. It's better late than never right?
Well, today was just a typical day I guess. Classes were mundane. Psychology was beyond boring throughout the whole class all I did was doodle and write song lyrics. Which in return reminded me of you because all the songs I could think of were about missing someone. Which made me want to write to you even more.
Then I went to Health and Wellness where they talked about stress management. Which might I add isn't my expertise. I let stress get the best of me sometimes, which is something that you helped me through. But, I'm getting through this with the help of Alex. You really did a good job on him. I really mean that. Oh funny story I saw someone completely wipe out on the way to class today. But, I had good reason to giggle. I fell the other night too, after being warned numerous times that the last step was slippery. I saved Alex's life, so he owes me. I figured that would be something that would make you laugh. Not only did I fall but apparently my phone decided to call the emergency number. I didn't want to tell them I fell because well they would consider that an emergency, but it wasn't. So i told them that i sat on my phone for too long and it accidently called them. I wish I could tell you this all in person because I know you'd be laughing right now (:
Then I sat in my room and just listened to songs, to find a good one for this post. Which I'm still working on. But, regardless, after that I went to history. He makes me fall asleep. I feel bad, but I can't stand him. His english is decent. But, you really have to listen closely and pay a lot of attention, and we all know that's not my strong suit.
Then I went to dinner with my roommate and future roommate Ryan. You'd like him, he's a nice kid. Nothing really interesting happened there. I had this piece of pie that i called heaven pie. Delicious.
Then I came back here and watched Pretty Little Liars, I know how into that show you got. You would have loved this episode, I swear. Although it was the most confusing episode I think that they've aired so far. I wish that we could sit and talk about it and try and figure out who A is together. But as of right now, I'm pretty positive it's a mixture of people. Mona being one of them. Then Ian, and possibly even Spencer's sister. See I told you confusing.
Oh and then Greek came on after that, I know you liked it too. Alex and I used to watch it and then talk about it. I even once compared us to Greek, not that I can say that anymore, but I still think of it as me being Casey sometimes. Hey, she gets to kiss Scott Foster :P
Now I'm sitting here writing to you. I got all my homework done. Thankfully. I made a promise to myself that I would do better in schoolt his year, just for you, well and my parents. But, mostly you, I remember how you told me you were so proud about me going to college and getting a good education. So, I vow to you, I will get a good GPA for you <3

Again I say, until we meet again, I love you and I'll miss you forever.
I cannot wait to see your smiling face again. And to be able to hug you.
Wish you were here <3

I miss you...

I miss you so bad, I won't forget you, so it's so sad...

Dear Angela,
I don't even know where to begin. You were the reason I started this blog in the first place, it was so much easier to keep you updated here than trying to make our schedules correspond so we could talk everyday. I regret greatly that I haven't updated this since November, but regardless I tried to keep you as updated with my life as possible because you mean that much to me.. I guess I should get down to the point of writing you this internet letter.
I can't believe you're gone; it just hasn't even begun to sink in. You were like another mother to me, you always said how much I reminded you of yourself when you were my age. I take that as one of the greaest compliments I have ever recieved. You were an amazing woman with a great and loving personality.. You were absolutely beautiful inside and out. I've heard nothing but good things about you and how much you impacted so many people. I'm beyond grateful to have met you, an angel on earth, and now in the sky <3 I see how many people cared about you and still do care about you, and it makes me hope that I have just as many people who will one day say such great things about me as they do about you. I miss you so much, this hurts more than I could have ever expected it would. I feel so redundant you were an amazing woman though. I've been going through our skype conversations and I saw how much you helped me through and kept me strong. I'm really gonna miss that. But, I can say that I am so lucky that I have you watching over me from up in heaven even though I'd rather have you on earth with us.
I know you'd be happy to see Alex and I talking again, I just wish it was under much much much different circumstances. I'm sure him and I both do. When he called me I just dropped to my knees and sobbed. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. I kept thinking "No this is wrong, this isn't happening right now. She can't be gone."  I'm here for Alex through and through regardless of what he and I have gone through. Because I know he would do the same for me if this happened to me. He'll always be in my heart, you knew that better than anyone. He and I made a promise, we're keeping in touch from now on. I can't afford to lose him again. Not only that we both thought that throwing away 3 years of friendship, almost 4, was a bad idea. I knew that too would make you happy. Because I knew how much you wanted us to just settle our differences and be better. We're getting there I think. It's a process, but I feel as if I'm getting my life back together in a way, bu it's falling apart too by losing you. Please watch over him and me. Especially him, for me, please. I know I speak for the both of us when I say that we'll miss you so much. I went home this weekend because it's much easier to be there for someone in person then through texts and phone calls. When I hugged him there was no doubt in my mind I didn't want to let go. He's the only one of my friends who really understands just how much you meant to me. He saw how I confided in you and how much I loved just sitting around and talking to you. I came over to not only see him, but to get to spend time with you. He understands how close we were and knows how hard I'm taking this. You helped me get by when we broke up. You saw how much it physically and emotionally affected me. You kept me strong and had faith that someday we'll be together. Now I don't know that, but your optimism about a situation that I lost faith in kept me going. And for that I thank you. He means the world to me which you knew, but I figured I'd tell you again. You raised an amazing son by the way. 3 to be exact. Orin and Jay mean a lot to me too. Your whole family welcomed me in even after all that bad stuff happened. For you I'm beyond thankful.

You live on in my heart, forever.
And until we meet again, just remember, I love you and I'll miss you. <3